Literacy is a burden

You know, when I was a kid no one asked me if I wanted to learn how to read - they just forced it upon me without so much of an "as you please". And that's just crap. Do we really live in a country where 5 year olds (yeah, I don't know how old kids are when they learn to read) do not have the right to decide whether or not they want to becomes literate? We get voter pamphlets, TV and radio ads, phone calls, and political platforms shoved in our faces every day listing out the pros and cons of each square on the ballot, but no one lays out the pros and cons of literacy to children.

But kids, I want to be the first to tell you that reading is not all its cracked up to be. The number one drawback is this: WHEN YOU'RE LITERATE, PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO READ. How is that fair?

All of a sudden you're bombarded with reading lists, standardized tests, book reports, essays, biographies, poetry, and other forms of coma-inducing boredom. And, when you're stupid enough to hang around academia, you're assigned the worse thing imaginable: journal articles. And again, you're expected to read them, remember them, and cite them when appropriate. Oral traditions worked well for centuries and millennia, what was so bad about that?

And what's just a slap in the face is when you do find a book that you want to read, you don't have time to read it. Or, its been so long since you've read anything entertaining, you get absolutely obsessed and can't function until you finish the book. Then, you realize that the book is part of a series, and that you don't have time to read anymore books in the series until the spring.

I should have been a goat herder.

But, on the pro side, here's something pretty awesome about being literate:

Losing the Will to Live

With the impending doom of giving a presentation lacking things like data to a conference of professionals, I have been given a reason to contemplate my philosophy on life.... Or rather, near death by serious injury/illness. I am so obviously frantic about this talk, I'm blogging. That's gotta say something....

On my way into the grocery store last week, I realized that if I got hit by a car, I would have a good chance of getting out of giving my talk. Upon crossing from the parking lot to the store front, I noticed an SUV heading my way - what a perfect opportunity! But, alas, they stopped at the stop sign. Damn you, Boulder and your pedestrian-friendly drivers!

Upon expressing my desires though several different mediums (i.e., Facebook), there was an outcry of support to help me fulfill my fantasies of getting taken out. I feel so loved. My one stipulation is to please run over my right side ; I feel the need to even things out and that having metal in only my left leg throws me off balance. And if we could make a stop by McGuckin's on the way to the hospital to pick up some screws and metal plates, I would appreciate the thousands of dollars that would save. (Though I did get a check for $17 yesterday from the hospital for overcharging me at some point. Thanks guys! I hope you appreciated that other $10,000!)

I have also considered giving myself extreme food poisoning - can't move from the floor, commode-hugging food poisoning. No one wants someone who could potentially vomit at any second on stage constantly opening her mouth. I have had offers of help with this tactic, as well. And, honestly, by the way the several day old sandwich I just ate tasted, this may actually work out. We'll see how the next few hours pan out.

But it now appears that I have moved into the apathetic stage of panic/stress/exhaustion where I don't give a crap. This, I can handle.

When Squirrels Attack

There I was, walking out of my condo complex minding my own business. I had put in my earphones for my journey to campus and was engrossed in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 16 - In the Hog's Head (wistful sigh). When all of a sudden...THUD! (Unfortunately it wasn't a splat.) Out of no where a squirrel fell right in front of me, bushing my left shoulder and foot and causing me to veer off my path or really make it go splat. Scared the bejeezers out of me and may have caused me to shriek like a little girl - when I looked over at the intersection next to me, there were definitely drivers looking at me. But I don't care, I think I was justified. Its not every day that a squirrel falls off a tree and hits you as your walking towards the bus. In fact, I think this puts me up there with the animal bombarded elite. I had a friend in college who was walking out of the dorms one day when a pigeon died in a tree, fell, and hit her. I was quite jealous of her good luck, for I had never been more than shit on by a bird. But now...I've made the big time!

Now being attacked by an uncoordinated squirrel made me think. How can we use this to our advantage? I immediately thought of the scene in Ernest Goes to Camp where Ernest and the campers try to save Kamp Kikakee from land developers. One of the offensive moves they use is catapulting turtle paratroopers on the work crew (check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw_8j3MwfZo for awesome footage). I suggest a similar technique for the Middle East - catapulting rabid squirrels without parachutes. Who knows what would happen...maybe they'd even become invasive species...

Holy Irish Drunkeness Batman!

So, I'm sitting in a bar at 4:20pm (tehehe) and have been here for a few hours. Hey, they have free wifi, don't judge! But after getting rained in and being forced to order another drink, things are finally starting to get good. There's a drunk (or, slightly arguably not drunk) guy on the other side of the bar from me talking loudly enough for me to hear everything as I sit and listen to him in my back corner. This is alluvial fantastic!! So far, here is what I've learned:

Colorado has more solar panels than anywhere else because we're closer to the sun. And as my friend says "Yes, that's why the Himalayas are covered with solar panels."

You have to be careful hiking in Colorado with kids because of Mountain Lions. Its like Baltimore with car-jackers.

He has no self control when it come to whiskey and large women.

We're in an energy crisis. We need to find alternate means of energy, or more viable nukes. The French, however, can have a 35 hour work week because they have good energy. Does that mean that they harness their chi?

Nuns beat you when you don't finish your Shepard's pie.

Not getting laid makes you look like a wiener.

He's living in a hotel.

He doesn't know what a bike lane is - apparently he was driving in it and didn't understand what the picture of the biker meant...

He watches TV like a jackass.

Guinness and Murphy's are both Irish beers, but Murphy's is brewed by protestants.

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And now a group of stupid chits have moved to table between me and the whiskey guy. I'm getting stupider listening to these dumb broads...
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Sweet, the chicks have left and I am free to lean new pearls of wisdom to help get me through the trials and tribulations of life. And then pass them on to you...

If you want to learn about the sea, read Moby Dick. Herman Melville. The Whale ship was his Harvard and his Yale.

There was some poetry about two girls from Sturgis…. Unfortunately I didn’t catch it all.

As a young man he learned (1) Never trust a woman as a sailor and (2) Death is closer than you think. Its not a story…it’s a memoir…a metallic Great White…

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I'm sorry to have to inform you, but this guy has procreated. The future of humanity is lost. Give up now.

Vote for Guac!

I'm a slut for guacamole - I just love the stuff. And I just don't think its right to charge an extra $0.50, $1.00, or even in some extreme cases $1.50 for guacamole. It should come standard; you don't buy a new car and then have to pay extra for a carburetor. I refuse to think of guacamole as the chrome rims of Mexican food. Its just unAmerican to charge extra. Even if is Mexican food, I'm sure some of the avocados come from California. I don't see how this behavior hasn't caused another Red Scare.

So, in all these days of election hype, declaring platforms, choosing running mates, and wooing voters, I propose an easy way to decide. "Vote for Me and the Guac is free". I'd vote for that.

The Spanish Channel(s)

I need to learn Spanish. I would say re-learn Spanish since I took three years of it in high school, but upon doing so poorly on my college language entrance exam they told me pick a new language, I am now convinced I never knew Spanish to begin with. Anywho, I need to learn Spanish. Out of the few cable channels I get (coming out to like $5 a channel...frickin' Comcast), about half of them are Spanish, and they look WAY cooler than the channels I can understand. They have awesome costumes, crazy drama, tears, bitch-slapping, bright colors, flamenco dancing, huge breasts, cod pieces, and "Me and Julio Down in the School Yard" playing in the background. English-speaking shows have drab colors and no dancing except in a reality TV way, which doesn't count as TV regardless of the language. Obviously I need to make a good latina friend so I can get a brightly colored bridesmaid dress. Maybe something with ruffles. That's great for latino dancing, which my good latina friend will teach me. Sorry, I digress, shocking.

Honestly, American TV just really can't compete with this genus. Three of the four men in this picture aren't wearing shirts, and there is only one women that they use twice; and you know she's going to get ravaged by at least one of the shirtless men. "Oh Felipe, I want you to ravish me in the apple orchard among the young ripe fruit of the trees."

And in case you need more: http://telenovela.freehostia.com/







Man, they have pirates - I can't even begin to express my envy. Why the hell don't we have TV shows about pirates? So not fair.




And they have a lot of soccer...or football (or futbol with a little accent thingy) as the locals call it. And I do love me some Pele.


Actually, I wonder if learning Spanish will take away from the magic of watching Univision and making up my own dialog....

Undergrad Crowd Control

Making fun of undergraduates on the University of Colorado campus is one of my favorite pass times. It's really not that hard as they make easy targets, rather like mullet-spotting in a Appalachian Walmart. The way they dress is what amuses me the most - the ridiculous heels, the furry boots with bouncing tassels, the climate-inappropriate outfits of miniskirts, halter tops and Uggs. The emo guys are amusing, but I derive much more entertainment from the females. Endless entertainment. Granted its entertainment in a raging, ridiculing, loss of hope for the future of humanity kind of way, but its entertainment nonetheless.

I was in the field last week along the Colorado-Utah boarder. Its badlands, but its also cattle, sheep, and horse country. And this gave me a brilliant idea to control the undergraduate population - at least those that are a danger to the gene pool. Cattle guards. With strategically placed cattle guards along the campus sidewalks, we could control the herd. Similar to how cows won't cross a cattle guard because of the widely spaced metal bars, girls won't cross because of the stilettos they feel the need to wear to class. This will take care of the summer problem. As for winter (or those climate-inappropriate days), I suggest releasing horny marmots which will naturally be attracted to the furry boots.