Monday, June 30, 2008

Vote for Guac!

I'm a slut for guacamole - I just love the stuff. And I just don't think its right to charge an extra $0.50, $1.00, or even in some extreme cases $1.50 for guacamole. It should come standard; you don't buy a new car and then have to pay extra for a carburetor. I refuse to think of guacamole as the chrome rims of Mexican food. Its just unAmerican to charge extra. Even if is Mexican food, I'm sure some of the avocados come from California. I don't see how this behavior hasn't caused another Red Scare.

So, in all these days of election hype, declaring platforms, choosing running mates, and wooing voters, I propose an easy way to decide. "Vote for Me and the Guac is free". I'd vote for that.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Spanish Channel(s)

I need to learn Spanish. I would say re-learn Spanish since I took three years of it in high school, but upon doing so poorly on my college language entrance exam they told me pick a new language, I am now convinced I never knew Spanish to begin with. Anywho, I need to learn Spanish. Out of the few cable channels I get (coming out to like $5 a channel...frickin' Comcast), about half of them are Spanish, and they look WAY cooler than the channels I can understand. They have awesome costumes, crazy drama, tears, bitch-slapping, bright colors, flamenco dancing, huge breasts, cod pieces, and "Me and Julio Down in the School Yard" playing in the background. English-speaking shows have drab colors and no dancing except in a reality TV way, which doesn't count as TV regardless of the language. Obviously I need to make a good latina friend so I can get a brightly colored bridesmaid dress. Maybe something with ruffles. That's great for latino dancing, which my good latina friend will teach me. Sorry, I digress, shocking.

Honestly, American TV just really can't compete with this genus. Three of the four men in this picture aren't wearing shirts, and there is only one women that they use twice; and you know she's going to get ravaged by at least one of the shirtless men. "Oh Felipe, I want you to ravish me in the apple orchard among the young ripe fruit of the trees."

And in case you need more:

Man, they have pirates - I can't even begin to express my envy. Why the hell don't we have TV shows about pirates? So not fair.

And they have a lot of soccer...or football (or futbol with a little accent thingy) as the locals call it. And I do love me some Pele.

Actually, I wonder if learning Spanish will take away from the magic of watching Univision and making up my own dialog....

Monday, June 9, 2008

Undergrad Crowd Control

Making fun of undergraduates on the University of Colorado campus is one of my favorite pass times. It's really not that hard as they make easy targets, rather like mullet-spotting in a Appalachian Walmart. The way they dress is what amuses me the most - the ridiculous heels, the furry boots with bouncing tassels, the climate-inappropriate outfits of miniskirts, halter tops and Uggs. The emo guys are amusing, but I derive much more entertainment from the females. Endless entertainment. Granted its entertainment in a raging, ridiculing, loss of hope for the future of humanity kind of way, but its entertainment nonetheless.

I was in the field last week along the Colorado-Utah boarder. Its badlands, but its also cattle, sheep, and horse country. And this gave me a brilliant idea to control the undergraduate population - at least those that are a danger to the gene pool. Cattle guards. With strategically placed cattle guards along the campus sidewalks, we could control the herd. Similar to how cows won't cross a cattle guard because of the widely spaced metal bars, girls won't cross because of the stilettos they feel the need to wear to class. This will take care of the summer problem. As for winter (or those climate-inappropriate days), I suggest releasing horny marmots which will naturally be attracted to the furry boots.