Monday, August 25, 2008

When Squirrels Attack

There I was, walking out of my condo complex minding my own business. I had put in my earphones for my journey to campus and was engrossed in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 16 - In the Hog's Head (wistful sigh). When all of a sudden...THUD! (Unfortunately it wasn't a splat.) Out of no where a squirrel fell right in front of me, bushing my left shoulder and foot and causing me to veer off my path or really make it go splat. Scared the bejeezers out of me and may have caused me to shriek like a little girl - when I looked over at the intersection next to me, there were definitely drivers looking at me. But I don't care, I think I was justified. Its not every day that a squirrel falls off a tree and hits you as your walking towards the bus. In fact, I think this puts me up there with the animal bombarded elite. I had a friend in college who was walking out of the dorms one day when a pigeon died in a tree, fell, and hit her. I was quite jealous of her good luck, for I had never been more than shit on by a bird. But now...I've made the big time!

Now being attacked by an uncoordinated squirrel made me think. How can we use this to our advantage? I immediately thought of the scene in Ernest Goes to Camp where Ernest and the campers try to save Kamp Kikakee from land developers. One of the offensive moves they use is catapulting turtle paratroopers on the work crew (check out for awesome footage). I suggest a similar technique for the Middle East - catapulting rabid squirrels without parachutes. Who knows what would happen...maybe they'd even become invasive species...

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Holy Irish Drunkeness Batman!

So, I'm sitting in a bar at 4:20pm (tehehe) and have been here for a few hours. Hey, they have free wifi, don't judge! But after getting rained in and being forced to order another drink, things are finally starting to get good. There's a drunk (or, slightly arguably not drunk) guy on the other side of the bar from me talking loudly enough for me to hear everything as I sit and listen to him in my back corner. This is alluvial fantastic!! So far, here is what I've learned:

Colorado has more solar panels than anywhere else because we're closer to the sun. And as my friend says "Yes, that's why the Himalayas are covered with solar panels."

You have to be careful hiking in Colorado with kids because of Mountain Lions. Its like Baltimore with car-jackers.

He has no self control when it come to whiskey and large women.

We're in an energy crisis. We need to find alternate means of energy, or more viable nukes. The French, however, can have a 35 hour work week because they have good energy. Does that mean that they harness their chi?

Nuns beat you when you don't finish your Shepard's pie.

Not getting laid makes you look like a wiener.

He's living in a hotel.

He doesn't know what a bike lane is - apparently he was driving in it and didn't understand what the picture of the biker meant...

He watches TV like a jackass.

Guinness and Murphy's are both Irish beers, but Murphy's is brewed by protestants.

And now a group of stupid chits have moved to table between me and the whiskey guy. I'm getting stupider listening to these dumb broads...

Sweet, the chicks have left and I am free to lean new pearls of wisdom to help get me through the trials and tribulations of life. And then pass them on to you...

If you want to learn about the sea, read Moby Dick. Herman Melville. The Whale ship was his Harvard and his Yale.

There was some poetry about two girls from Sturgis…. Unfortunately I didn’t catch it all.

As a young man he learned (1) Never trust a woman as a sailor and (2) Death is closer than you think. Its not a story…it’s a memoir…a metallic Great White…

I'm sorry to have to inform you, but this guy has procreated. The future of humanity is lost. Give up now.