Monday, June 9, 2008

Undergrad Crowd Control

Making fun of undergraduates on the University of Colorado campus is one of my favorite pass times. It's really not that hard as they make easy targets, rather like mullet-spotting in a Appalachian Walmart. The way they dress is what amuses me the most - the ridiculous heels, the furry boots with bouncing tassels, the climate-inappropriate outfits of miniskirts, halter tops and Uggs. The emo guys are amusing, but I derive much more entertainment from the females. Endless entertainment. Granted its entertainment in a raging, ridiculing, loss of hope for the future of humanity kind of way, but its entertainment nonetheless.

I was in the field last week along the Colorado-Utah boarder. Its badlands, but its also cattle, sheep, and horse country. And this gave me a brilliant idea to control the undergraduate population - at least those that are a danger to the gene pool. Cattle guards. With strategically placed cattle guards along the campus sidewalks, we could control the herd. Similar to how cows won't cross a cattle guard because of the widely spaced metal bars, girls won't cross because of the stilettos they feel the need to wear to class. This will take care of the summer problem. As for winter (or those climate-inappropriate days), I suggest releasing horny marmots which will naturally be attracted to the furry boots.

4 comments:

Mel said...

There is one flaw in your plan Laura. Anything I can do in shoes, I can do in heels, and I am guessing many other women are of the same ilk. I'm not condoning such innappropriate footware - you know me. I'm just trying to help you in achieving world domination. I suggest moats. Women who are wearing inapprpriate shoes often spent a lot of money on those shoes. They will be less inclined to cross said moat of it means getting their shoes wet/muddy. Just a thought.

Laura said...

Mel, if you ever enter the CU campus, you will understand why cattle guards would work for these undergraduates. They're a "special" breed. Women who can actually WALK in heels aren't really a threat to the population. I could cross a cattle guard in heels myself, but I also have a positive IQ.

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Wendy said...

Love it Laura. Although I could not cross a cattle guard in heels. But then again I don't wear heels to campus because that would be silly. And if for some strange reason I did wear heels to campus, and I had to cross a cattle guard, I'd just take the shoes off and go barefoot